Archive for January, 2013

Here’s a Thought:

Thursday, January 31st, 2013

The idea of natural selection stands to eliminate the unnecessary/weak traits of a species. Over time, this is to create stronger characteristics. Now, everyone wants to complain about how there are not enough people in the world who trust each other. This is true. But this theme has become more progressive over time. Did anyone ever take the time to think that this lack of trust has been a result of natural selection? What if our genes realized the way humans were constantly screwing each other over and gradually removed the trait of trust in others from the personality of humans? Couldn’t that be possible? It’s a really interesting thought, if you over analyze it like I just did.

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Mini Hospital

Wednesday, January 30th, 2013

The human body is kind of like it’s own little hospital. Did you ever realize that? In biology, we talked briefly about stem cells, and their ability to become whatever cell they need to be, whenever they are needed to be. When a part of your body is ill or dying, the stem cells come to the rescue, kind of like little doctors. Isn’t that interesting? There is a whole hospital running around inside of you.

I went to pottery for the first time today, and I thought of R***** the moment I walked into the room. Not to mention his picture was hanging about the door. Mr. D was talking about how he had a meltdown on R***** last week, and imagine the guilt he had felt when he found out he had killed himself, and I thought to myself, “Yeah, imagine that.”

Short-Tempered

Wednesday, January 30th, 2013

If I could climb inside your head, just for today, that sure would answer a lot of questions. Your random angry outburst and unexplainable frustration makes a lack of sense to me. But then again, I can’t make sense of something I’m not aware of. Obviously, you’re angry, I know that you’re angry at something. This is probably something that has absolutely nothing to do with me, but somehow, you’re taking all of this out on me. That’s basically what happened with R*****, except I don’t see you committing suicide. You’re not that angry … At least I hope you’re not. I asked you to talk to me and you tell me your don’t want to. Well then, I guess I can’t help you. I pity you honestly, because there is nothing fun about keeping everything bottled up inside, but you’re taking it out on me and I don’t appreciate that. You’re my boyfriend, you’re suppose to love me, not hate me without any kind of explanation. But I guess, if you don’t want to speak to me, then there is nothing I can do but wait patiently for you to finally tell me what’s going on. I fight back because I worry about you, and I’m sorry, but you know I’m short-tempered too. 

I Wish.

Friday, January 25th, 2013

My ex treated me very poorly, I’m not even going to attempt to sugar coat that, but he had some qualities traits that not a lot of guys have. Maybe that’s why I held on for so long, but that’s not the point. Every time he was here, he always wanted to be with me. Always. My current boyfriend is the best person I have ever met. He is the epitome of perfection, but sometimes I find things that my ex could offer that my boyfriend can not. I’m feeling lonesome right now, and he left my room to go play Black Ops 2 with my thirteen year old sister. In times like this, I think to myself, “I wish you could be like N*** for just three seconds.” But only sometimes. The other times, I find it hard to complain. I love this boy very much.

Stupid Mailbox.

Thursday, January 24th, 2013

It’s about 25 degrees outside right now, which is much much better than it was yesterday, but it is still so bitterly cold outside. I got off of the bus today, and I walked to my mailbox to grab the mail and it was empty. This made me a little irritated to be honest with you, because it was so cold, and I just wanted to get inside. When I opened the empty mailbox to find no mail, I couldn’t help but think, “Well, I just wasted some valuable minutes of my life.” I guess that goes to show how lazy I am, but it’s true. I probably could have done several different productive things in the time it took me to walk to the mailbox, find it empty, and then bitch at the mailbox for being empty. What a waste of my time.

I Miss You

Thursday, January 24th, 2013

It’s so awful to look out over the valley and feel sick, because I am actually starting to realize that you’re gone, and you’re never coming back.

My Boyfriend

Thursday, January 24th, 2013

My Boyfriend

I adore this picture of the two of us. I never can understand why. It’s the ridiculous looking picture that you always seem to cherish the most, and I suppose that’s why I like it so much. Yes, anonymous me is allowing you to see a bit of my face. I’m not very good at keeping my appearance a secret.

Obnoxious

Thursday, January 24th, 2013

There are so many annoying things happening around me right now, I want to scream. The toddler screaming in the waiting room is getting on my nerves as he’s yelling “EWH!” at the teeth on the slideshow. He’s adorable though, which makes me feel bad, honestly, but that always makes me question why parents can’t find better control over their children. Then again, what do I know, I’m only fifteen. 

Wandering Paths

Thursday, January 24th, 2013

We all travel in wandering directions. Each of us has our own path set out in front of us to follow. We you get into a car, people, in most circumstances, have a destination. Each morning, millions of people commute to work, school, appointments, etc. Very rarely do you cross the path of an unknown person more than once. But on the rare occasion that you do, how much attention do you pay to that? Very little.

My sister has an orthodontist appointment this morning, and in light of my inevitable tears this morning after R*****’s funeral, school wasn’t particularly in the cards for me, so I am traveling with my sister and grandfather to her appointment in West Reading. My grandfather will drop us both at school after we stop at McDonald’s for breakfast. While much of this information seems unnecessary, it is relevant to where I’m going with this.

As we pulled off of my street towards the main road, a truck had come over the mountain, which is a popular back route in my area. I didn’t take notice to the fact that we were traveling in the same direction as this truck. As we were driving down the highway, I think it was Route 73 onto the bypass, I notice this same truck in front of us, driving rather frantically. I guess this story doesn’t have much of a moral, but I took great interest in this. It’s funny how the same people cross paths accidentally, even if it’s in a no-contact situation. I suppose this could also relate to R*****. As I travelled in my own wandering direction this morning, we passed the funeral home where R*****s body is lying right now. I was half compelled to say “Hi R*****”, but I didn’t. I suppose I didn’t want to scare my family.

Instead, I look up at the sky today, and say hello. Because I love him, and I miss him, and I just want to say hello.

As if I know you.

Wednesday, January 23rd, 2013

It’s funny really, how long ago it was that I could call myself your girlfriend.

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You guys have to understand, this was my first real relationship. Sure, I was only a freshman in high school, but this puppy love consumed my life, and I was so devastated when he broke my heart. I never stopped to realize that their was a bigger and better love out there waiting for me. But this is not what I’m writing about, I just thought some previous background may be necessary.

As I mentioned before, this ex-boyfriend of mine was best friends with the boy from my school that hung himself a few days ago. Through my relationship with my boyfriend, I had gotten to know this boy pretty well, and this loss is tragic. Regardless, right now I am concerned more so about my ex-boyfriend. I’ve haven’t ever watched him cope with death, because the death of another student from out school that affected our lives was not at the time when him and I were together, but after a year of being his love and his best friend, I learned a great deal of things about him. I know his moods, his body language, his facial expressions; all of that stuff. Today was our first day back to school since this boy’s death. I wasn’t sure if I would be seeing my ex in school today… In all honesty, I hate referring to him as that, because yes, that is what relation he has to me, but he is also a best friend to me, to this very day and someone who I care very deeply for, keep that in mind. Anyway, like I said, I wasn’t sure if I would see him in school today, though I was desperately hoping I would, because I was very worried about him, since I had not heard from him since the night we talked on the phone after receiving news of this boy’s death. After entering the school this morning and breaking down into a fit of tears, I thought their was no possible way that he could make it through today if all I had done was walk through the door and began to cry. But much to the surprise of many people, not only was my ex in school today, but so was this boy’s girlfriend, who had found him hanging. This sent shock waves through the school, trying to watch her cope with this pain. After seeing her, I knew my ex was in school. We have fourth period together, and the moment I walked into the room, I saw him being hugged by two other boys in our class. Right after I had walked to my desk to put down my stuff, my ex and I were in each other’s arms. I haven’t hugged him since two months after we broke up seven months ago. Even that was a long time ago. Both of us burst into tears. And you know what? Even though it was clear that he had more right to suffer than I had he asked me, “Are you okay?” He asked me. And it was in that moment that I swore I loved him once again. I remembered every reason I ever had to love him solely because he asked me when I should have been asking him. There is no other person like him. I will love him always, despite anything that has happened between him and I in the past. There are no more cards left for either of us to play in the terms of a relationship, but we will forever love each other deeply, and I genuinely, sincerely mean that. But even now, so much time has past. i know more of who he used to be, and less of who he is now. I do understand him at times where others do not, because I know the innocent childlike side of him, but the shield he has put up now is too tough to break. I will forever love him, but it’s that weaker, innocent side of him that I treasure. The other, more predominant side is unfamiliar. And that is a territory I will not attempt to enter. As if he would let me in anyway. As if I know him.