As if I know you.

It’s funny really, how long ago it was that I could call myself your girlfriend.

You guys have to understand, this was my first real relationship. Sure, I was only a freshman in high school, but this puppy love consumed my life, and I was so devastated when he broke my heart. I never stopped to realize that their was a bigger and better love out there waiting for me. But this is not what I’m writing about, I just thought some previous background may be necessary.

As I mentioned before, this ex-boyfriend of mine was best friends with the boy from my school that hung himself a few days ago. Through my relationship with my boyfriend, I had gotten to know this boy pretty well, and this loss is tragic. Regardless, right now I am concerned more so about my ex-boyfriend. I’ve haven’t ever watched him cope with death, because the death of another student from out school that affected our lives was not at the time when him and I were together, but after a year of being his love and his best friend, I learned a great deal of things about him. I know his moods, his body language, his facial expressions; all of that stuff. Today was our first day back to school since this boy’s death. I wasn’t sure if I would be seeing my ex in school today… In all honesty, I hate referring to him as that, because yes, that is what relation he has to me, but he is also a best friend to me, to this very day and someone who I care very deeply for, keep that in mind. Anyway, like I said, I wasn’t sure if I would see him in school today, though I was desperately hoping I would, because I was very worried about him, since I had not heard from him since the night we talked on the phone after receiving news of this boy’s death. After entering the school this morning and breaking down into a fit of tears, I thought their was no possible way that he could make it through today if all I had done was walk through the door and began to cry. But much to the surprise of many people, not only was my ex in school today, but so was this boy’s girlfriend, who had found him hanging. This sent shock waves through the school, trying to watch her cope with this pain. After seeing her, I knew my ex was in school. We have fourth period together, and the moment I walked into the room, I saw him being hugged by two other boys in our class. Right after I had walked to my desk to put down my stuff, my ex and I were in each other’s arms. I haven’t hugged him since two months after we broke up seven months ago. Even that was a long time ago. Both of us burst into tears. And you know what? Even though it was clear that he had more right to suffer than I had he asked me, “Are you okay?” He asked me. And it was in that moment that I swore I loved him once again. I remembered every reason I ever had to love him solely because he asked me when I should have been asking him. There is no other person like him. I will love him always, despite anything that has happened between him and I in the past. There are no more cards left for either of us to play in the terms of a relationship, but we will forever love each other deeply, and I genuinely, sincerely mean that. But even now, so much time has past. i know more of who he used to be, and less of who he is now. I do understand him at times where others do not, because I know the innocent childlike side of him, but the shield he has put up now is too tough to break. I will forever love him, but it’s that weaker, innocent side of him that I treasure. The other, more predominant side is unfamiliar. And that is a territory I will not attempt to enter. As if he would let me in anyway. As if I know him.